Composting

WIP Sculpture corner 2021

The word vulnerable in the dictionary is defined as something that is laid bare, making itself available to be attacked, either physically or emotionally. When I had read this, I thought, of course vulnerability would equate with weakness. It’s a crack in what otherwise should be strong. Right? It’s a peek inside to the soft part. The part that is easily damaged. It is a challenge for me to see why it is important to expose that part; to lead with that part because it is seems so easily broken. 

This past year, I have been shovelling through some emotional baggage. I have been chipping away, exposing those “soft spots.” At least to myself. Weakness, fear, humiliation, insecurity, imperfection, frailty. Those are the things I find there. All the aspects that I equate with some sort of failure or lack of strength.

The real question becomes why I equate these more difficult human conditions with failing to live my best life. I know they are common feelings and I also know it is uncommon to make friends with them. I don’t remember being taught that our darker, more painful selves are to be ignored or that they equate with some sort of inability to have success, but I certainly have adopted that story. 

The shovelling of baggage this past year has really been more like composting. I have not discarded much but it is slowly transforming into something more useful. All the failures and shortcomings are still there. All the arduous emotional battles and seemingly unproductive days succumbing to tedious rumination are creating fertile ground. I can feel it shifting. And I know I need patience.  

I’ve been working on these sculptures. Lord knows why. I have always hated thinking about how the heck to store sculpture. There is something to that physicality of making something though. It’s a little different than painting. The hands-on moulding, twisting, cutting, sanding, burnishing of making a sculpture is visceral and consuming. It has been helping me sort through or, to use the composting analogy again, it is helping to aerate. I hope to bring all of this experience back into my painting. I’m excited to see what that brings.

This year. The new year seemed to begin on January 20th. And we still get to celebrate a renewal according to the Chinese calendar. So, happy new year. I’ve got lots of time to settle on my list of resolutions for 2021. I can tell you now though, I plan on having some arable soil sometime soon.