Fear

Fear of the Unknown mixed media 2021

For some reason this post has been incredibly difficult for me to sift through. I have written, edited, deleted so many times I thought maybe I should just wait and not post this week. But I am trying to stay committed to this. So, here it goes.

As I sit in my little isolated privileged corner of the world and read about all the horrible events going on around me, I get paralysed. I keep asking myself how it is that the work that I do makes any difference at a time when people are hurting so much. I feel sad and disgusted by the violence, hatred, and downright disregard towards others. Yet I feel I have no tools to make any change. I know I have to continue to believe that staying true, acting out of compassion and informing myself will eventually radiate outwards and help affect some sort of transformation. Often though, I lose sight of the value in that.

This past week I have been taking look at fear. Fear as the opposite of love. That particular fear that lives in the future like anxiety. We all carry some of it in us. This kind of fear, can generate hate and cause discord or violence. I heard a Rabbi say recently that compassion is the medicine for anxiety. Caring for others is a way to step out of ourselves. To be in the moment. To have no fear. 

This particular week. Like so many in the past. I am hit with this overwhelming lack of compassion for humanity. Obviously in Georgia and Colorado, but all around us. Humans consumed by fear and driven to act out of the selfish need to remain at the top of the heap. Some kind of desperate action. Acting in opposition to love. It is a huge part of American culture. It is part of our historical DNA and each of us needs to be held accountable. 

Maybe the problem is that we have too many definitions of fear. Like love. It has lost its impact. Maybe we need to teach our little ones that fear, like love is something to embrace. To be curious about. It’s definitely a tenuous line to draw. When is it ok to jump in the river and when it is life threatening. The fine line between self preservation and self destruction. Or take the self out of that. The fine line between preservation and destruction. 

Fear can also be a motivation for change. I like to think of it this way in my work all the time. The studio though is a comfortable place to investigate fears. If I fall on my face or embarrassingly stumble, only I will be there. I can easily hold myself accountable when it is only me I have to face. What I need to do is take this courage out into the world. Not be afraid of what I might look like if I have been crying all day. Not worry about what I will say or do in a crowd of people I am not comfortable with. Put myself in the middle of the muck. Take accountability for the culture of suppression and violence and not run away. This is the hard work. I have to aspire to that.