I am here

Back side 2022

I left Vermont 7 years ago. To start over. A reset. I can’t quite say in hindsight it was a reset, but it did mark the beginning of a journey. A path of seriously questioning all my motivations and default reactions. I had been hurt and didn’t even recognise it. I acted out of fear so many times I humbled myself again and again having to admit it. 

I am preparing for a show in June. I have been working on these large pieces on paper for the last year. I want to put a couple of them in this show but they aren’t “finished” so to speak. They have been tacked on and off the wall as I work and rework them. Just recently, I made a commitment to myself to figure out how I would want to display them. One of the pieces is about how we travel through life. Beaten and battered. But we are somewhere. We are living, changing, breathing. Always some place. In this piece I have used the metaphor of driftwood for how we travel through life. Behind the driftwood is a nautical map. It’s Cape May. But it could be anywhere. Again. A metaphor for being in a place. Taking up space. 

This piece, like so much of art making, has grown and developed as I have worked on it. Teaching me things. In the finishing off, I decided to do something with the back. I want these large pieces on paper to be objects. I want to use the material of the paper. Not just use it as a surface to put paint on. So, I worked the back. Maybe no one will ever even see it. That doesn’t even matter. I decided to write words all over the back. I am here. That’s what I wrote. I don’t know how many times. A lot. It become a meditation. Three words. Written over and over and over. I am here. Here I am. Here I. I am. Am here. I. Am. Here. 

Anyway, repeating these words brought up some stuff for me. Mostly, how much I have marginalised myself within my own constructs. For many many years. 

I live on my own now, with no day to day distractions of family or partners. Being alone like that can make the internal work I do mount up to the point of distraction. I have felt less of a person for goals I didn’t accomplish. I constantly wonder where I belong; who I am; why I exist. I have trust issues that inhibit my relationships. Like we all do I suppose.  All of this. I know it is not out of the ordinary but has been hugely significant for me. Discovering it. Talking about it. Looking at it head on.

I can’t present to the world without exposing myself. I cannot define myself while constantly putting on constraints. And finally, I can’t simply be without some understanding of what that actually means. 

I. Am. Here. Here. I. Am.