A New Year

“Despite It All” (a working title)

paper mache clay, wire, wood, acrylic paint, lilac sticks

Looking back, with the perspective of the bright, shining new year, there is one thing I can definitely sum up about 2020. It was a year of facing myself. Every damn morning as a matter of fact. Just me. No distractions. No one to deflect my mood of the hour. 

After reading about and listening to many people expressing the idea of leading our lives with a “soft front, strong back.” I believe I understand how important it is to conduct my life with this awareness. I have no problem with the strong back concept. I have been building up a tenacious spine for decades. I have written about this before. My independent spirit; my can-do attitude. It has definitely served me well in certain situations. But this soft front thing has me a little stumped. 

I have a habit of walking every morning. Before coffee. It’s rare that I come in contact with any people. It’s just me, my dog, and most often the expanse of the sea. I feel open, connected, and usually vibrant. Mornings are good for me. I sometimes sing, yell, pray, cry and the universe absorbs it. When I get home I feel a little more equipped to face the world with this so-called soft front. But it’s easy to open my heart when no one is there to tell me that it isn’t enough, or worse, to not even pay attention to my subtle awakenings. I can do that. 

I can be whoever I want to be when I only have to be accountable to myself. Some days, I can be the brave warrior woman who will confront any thing with kindness and generosity. Other days, I can be the wounded child who just simply needs to cry and have a patterned band-aid put on. Every day, I have choices. It’s only me. My dog doesn’t seem to care. And the cat, well, cats. After months of this game, the layers of protection have started to peel away. It is still me standing in front of the mirror, but perhaps with a smaller shield. Is this my soft front appearing?  

I am 58 years old. Soon to be 59. I don’t know how to be truly vulnerable. I do know it’s super uncomfortable and I don’t generally like staying there for too long. But this is what 2020 has done for me. The time spent with just me. Every day. It is making me stand in this particular awkward place for much longer than I would prefer. Of course this same “me” is who shows up in the studio as well. Working, or more often, contemplating work with this very uneasy feeling. Sitting for long periods of time, exposed, and having no idea what to do or where to go. I’m lucky though, I’m still curious to see what emerges.