The elephant in the room
Breathing Heart (WIP) 14”x12” Mixed media on board
It’s difficult to make any post right now and not mention the obvious. I don’t care who you are. The anxiety is palpable. Everywhere. The world is suffering and this country, at times, feels beyond repair. I know we are all trying to sit with this awareness, uncomfortable as it is and continue on with our daily existence. But I just want to acknowledge the elephant in the room. So, there it is.
This past week the uneasiness has been front and center for me. My anxiety meter is flaming red. I didn’t produce much art. It has just been one of those weeks. I spent much of my time attempting to relax the tightness in my chest and let go of narratives based in fear.
As I spend time trying to pull myself back down to earth, I have been reflecting on the last five years. Five years ago, I threw my cards to the wind. I stepped into an unknown with high hopes and no plans. I keep telling myself that those four plus years leading up to 2020 should have prepared me for this living on shaky and shifting ground. Unpredictability, loss, change. These have all become part of my daily existence. I should be comfortable with it at this point. But it still remains a challenge. I am sure the enormity of the world-wide apprehension is adding even yet another dimension.
So, what is it that 2020 is wanting me to learn?
When I can give up control, I can find peace. This is what I am trying to find in my work. I know how to give up that control. I do it every single time I approach a canvas. When I try to manipulate the outcome of a piece of art, that’s when I get into trouble. When I have a singular vision of what I want the piece to say or do, I forget to let it talk to me. I forget to let the art take me on the journey.
I have been making art for almost 40 years. I know this stuff. I know the path is one of letting go. I recognise the divine comes from not knowing. I just need to keep listening. That’s what is going to keep me sane. My direction in life is in the process of creating. I need to keep making and paying attention. And chances are, I’ll never get there.